Tuesday, January 20, 2015


This goes out to my first ever ex-boyfriend.

I know you broke up with me because you thought you couldn't make me happy. I understand that there are parts of your life that you can't control, and those things result in you having little time for me. You broke up with me because you felt like I deserved better. You broke up with me because you thought we needed it.

I am writing this to tell you how wrong your thinking was.

You assumed I was not happy because you had barely any time for me and could never properly express your affections for me. True, there were times that I felt sad because I missed you after not having seen you a few weeks, but I never felt that the time you gave me wasn't enough. It was in fact one of the best feelings, knowing that there was someone who used what little free time they had to go out of their way to come see me. I never complained about that. And whenever you couldn't bring yourself to tell me you loved me? Yes, it was saddening at times especially when I needed to hear it the most. There were nights when I doubted if you loved me at all. Those nights were the most challenging. But I didn't give up on you because I believed you loved me even without those words. You were able to prove it to me, time and again. Hearing or reading the words would have been nice every once in a while, but it was never a requirement. We loved each other, and we were always sure to show it.

You assumed I was not happy because you were not good enough. The truth is that I always thought you were way out of my league. Hell, maybe half the time we were together I was scared that you'd realize that, too. I was always the one feeling inadequate. I'm not good-looking like you, or successful, or intelligent, or own a car, or have any exciting hobbies. All I ever had to offer was my love for you. And I tried to give you as much of it as possible, to compensate for my lack of anything else. You were more... way more than I could have ever asked for. And I had you. And I failed you.

You assumed we needed to break up as it would have been better for us both, considering the circumstances. If only you knew how much you inspired me. If only you knew how much you motivated me to do well in school, so I could graduate, get a job, and finally be able to help build a future with you. You were the reason I strived so hard. Thinking about you, talking to you, having you to cheer me on the whole way, those were my fuel. I thought music was my passion, but never have I felt more passionate about it than when I had you to give me purpose. I wrote songs about you -- about what you meant to me and how happy I was with you. I needed you. I still do.

I have felt angry and depressed at your decision. But I cannot deny that I still love you, and that I miss you and I want you back.

You said this would only be temporary; that someday we'd get back together when things in your work and family life calmed down. You told me you still loved me and that we'd still be friends. Lately, though, we haven't been speaking much. Our conversations are short, cold, awkward, distant, and lifeless. You seem disinterested in me now. Do I not mean anything anymore? Is this how you really feel, or are you just coping? Do you really still love me and are willing to try again someday?

Or is it all over? I hope not. I'm not over you.

I haven't given up on us. Please don't give up on us either. I need you to be my puppy again.