Monday, October 24, 2016

It's Been A While...

So, it's been a few months since I've updated this blog. Suddenly felt like I had to write again, so here it is.

Umm... well...


Lately, all I've felt like doing is punch a wall, take a sword to tree, cry, throw up, sleep, then do it all over again. The past two months have been all but devastating on my emotions, due to things (that I'm not quite so comfortable talking about here) happening consecutively. I guess, because of these "things," I've been much more exhausted than usual, and they've sapped me for almost all I have.

"Much more exhausted than usual." THAN USUAL. Which means I am ALWAYS EXHAUSTED. From what, you may ask? Well, from living, apparently. I'm frustrated, sad, lonely, not at all confident in myself, and see no purpose in waking up every morning. There's nothing I can offer this world, and it has nothing it can offer me. I've... "lost" the ability to appreciate life. I've lost the will to try new things, for fear that I'll mess up or fail or get hurt one way or another. I feel worthless and I hate what I see in the mirrors everyday, and I keep wishing that every time I fall asleep will be the last time I'll ever have to fall asleep again. I stay in my room and wait for time to pass, because my room is safe and nothing can come in masqueraiding as a blessing only to leave me and hurt me.

Am I content? Probably. Am I happy? God, no.

I decided to see a psychiatrist to find out if he could help. I told him everything. Every painful detail of my past and present, my thoughts, feelings, habits... everything.

His diagnosis was low-grade depression.


I'm one of them, I thought to myself.
People are gonna think I'm making this shit up so they pay more attention to me and shower me with love and flowers and kind words and puppies and all that.

God, no. I have too much respect for people with mental illnesses. I'd never fake it. I just never realized I'd been one of them for... who the hell knows how long.

Apparently, one of the reasons my depression is "low-grade" is because, while I've constantly fantasized about my death, I've yet to actually plan out or attempt taking my own life. So I guess I'm not as far gone as I thought? I dunno. I'm sort of... numb(?) at the moment. But also teeming with emotions that sort of cancel each other out, so I'm not exactly doing much expressing of anything lately. Not sadness, nor fear, nor joy, nor pain. Right now, I'm just sort of... nothing.

I'm on a pill right now to help me get better. Taking half dosages for now to check for side effects. There don't seem to be any, so I'll likely start taking full dosages by next week. Not sure what exactly they're supposed to do, though. Something about... serotonin and repairing synapses in the brain... I forget the details. I'll probably Google it someday.

I just hope they work. I feel like I'm long overdue for this sort of treatment and I want to take control of my life again. I don't want this to beat me, but sometimes I forget to fight back because of how utterly tired and hopeless it makes me feel.

"Life is wonderful" is permanently inked on my fucking arm, for goodness' sake. I thought having those words tattoed on myself would remind me to always see every new day as another way to pursue happiness.

I just want to believe those three words again. Because, to be perfectly honest...

... it's been a while.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Weird. But good!


This has been a pretty weird day. I mean, look back on my posts and you'll see how I'm usually so depressed and sad and gross but WOW. THIS DAY.

I actually feel amazing today. Happy, energized, optimistic, and actually armed with the will to live. I don't know exactly what it is about this day but I am just FEELING it.

Need some elaboration? Okay, here's how today went.

- Left the house earlier than usual because I had to go to the bank to make a payment to the studio that handled the production of my original songs (which are turning out REALLY well, if I may toot my own horn a bit).
- Missed lunch. Ate some chips and a can of soda instead. Satisfaction level: excellent
- Walked in mud because they're fixing the street outside. Shoes smelled gross the entire day. Didn't care.
- Class for the day was uneventful. Better than bad, I guess.
- Went and got a schedule for my second recollection day. It's a school requirement and a prerequisite to a retreat, which I have to take next term because I'm supposed to be graduating then. (I was worried I wouldn't be able to get a schedule for the recollection since it's rather late in the term already. Getting a schedule this term means I won't have to be delayed another term.)
- The line to pay for the recollection fee was long and my phone had already died. Passed the time by singing to myself.
- Found a bassist to perform with me for our thesis presentation. (Thank you, Eddie!)
- I legit DANCED a little bit.
- I ate an Oreo cheesecake cookie. It was 20 pesos but mmmmmm it was scrumptious.
- Got schedules to borrow the studio at school for the last bit of recording and mixing. EP is almost ready for submission!
- Came home. Nothing much else happened. Decided to type all this up.
- Then there was CAKE! :O

What an awesome day. I hope tomorrow's just as good, if not better. :3

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Bad habit

It's been a while. There's always some huge time gap between my blog posts and I think it's become clear that I only ever come back here to unload my thoughts before they build up inside me and I explode. It's a bad habit, but here I am to do exactly that.

I remember nearly a year ago, I had a kind of emotional breakdown for some reason or another and I just completely bawled my eyes out in front of everyone and it was pretty embarrassing and kinda gross. I had to start seeing a guidance counselor every so often after that incident and it helped in some way because I was able to really start asking myself questions that led me to answers that I needed to combat the sadness that has just been so relentless in trying to surface no matter how many times I bury it. I learned through reflection, self-analysis, and objective reasoning that happiness (or, at the very least, peace) is a choice you have to make whenever life ambushes you with new problems. And I've done that quite well, for the most part. I've done my best to stay positive, keep the sadness inside from sprouting, hide the pain until I forget it's even there.

But I need to concede the truth: I will never truly stop being sad.

It sounds hypocritical, especially after I just said that happiness is a choice. But it's naive to think that you can pick what emotions to feel through sheer force of will. You can only suppress your feelings, never change them. You can keep them inside, hide them, show people something else on the outside, show them you're okay, and that you're strong so they don't look down on you with pity.

This is how it is nearly everyday. Sometimes I forget that I'm lonely and stressed and maybe a little bit angry with myself for not being straight or desirable or talented or responsible or disciplined or "normal." I try to change what I can, I really do. But there's always that sadness inside. Sometimes I forget it's there, but I guess it's always had a hold on me, despite how deeply I bury that fucker.

I know why I am sad. There are things about me I cannot change that get in the way of me being truly happy. I cannot change my orientation, or my personality. I can't change that I'm sarcastic and obsessive and clingy and overdependent on the affections of my friends in order to get through every fucking day without wanting to cry, and that if I don't get frequent reaffirmation that I am actually wanted in this world from the people I love, I'll somehow convince myself that I am not needed by anyone or that I am a burden even though it's probably not true.

Over the course of writing this blog entry, I've taken several deep breaths, and I've calmed down significantly, though not completely. I'm still fighting back tears, and I'm looking for ways to help me once again forget the sadness that is deeply seeded in my very core.

I heard a quote a little over a month ago that really struck me:
Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim.
Translated: "Be patient and strong; someday, this pain will be useful to you."

It made me optimistic, and that made me pretty glad. Essentially, just turn the bad things into good things. A simple enough message, sure, and I sure as hell try my best to stick to it.

I just kind of wish the pain wasn't there all the fucking time.

How the hell do you turn this shit off?