Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Bad habit

It's been a while. There's always some huge time gap between my blog posts and I think it's become clear that I only ever come back here to unload my thoughts before they build up inside me and I explode. It's a bad habit, but here I am to do exactly that.

I remember nearly a year ago, I had a kind of emotional breakdown for some reason or another and I just completely bawled my eyes out in front of everyone and it was pretty embarrassing and kinda gross. I had to start seeing a guidance counselor every so often after that incident and it helped in some way because I was able to really start asking myself questions that led me to answers that I needed to combat the sadness that has just been so relentless in trying to surface no matter how many times I bury it. I learned through reflection, self-analysis, and objective reasoning that happiness (or, at the very least, peace) is a choice you have to make whenever life ambushes you with new problems. And I've done that quite well, for the most part. I've done my best to stay positive, keep the sadness inside from sprouting, hide the pain until I forget it's even there.

But I need to concede the truth: I will never truly stop being sad.

It sounds hypocritical, especially after I just said that happiness is a choice. But it's naive to think that you can pick what emotions to feel through sheer force of will. You can only suppress your feelings, never change them. You can keep them inside, hide them, show people something else on the outside, show them you're okay, and that you're strong so they don't look down on you with pity.

This is how it is nearly everyday. Sometimes I forget that I'm lonely and stressed and maybe a little bit angry with myself for not being straight or desirable or talented or responsible or disciplined or "normal." I try to change what I can, I really do. But there's always that sadness inside. Sometimes I forget it's there, but I guess it's always had a hold on me, despite how deeply I bury that fucker.

I know why I am sad. There are things about me I cannot change that get in the way of me being truly happy. I cannot change my orientation, or my personality. I can't change that I'm sarcastic and obsessive and clingy and overdependent on the affections of my friends in order to get through every fucking day without wanting to cry, and that if I don't get frequent reaffirmation that I am actually wanted in this world from the people I love, I'll somehow convince myself that I am not needed by anyone or that I am a burden even though it's probably not true.

Over the course of writing this blog entry, I've taken several deep breaths, and I've calmed down significantly, though not completely. I'm still fighting back tears, and I'm looking for ways to help me once again forget the sadness that is deeply seeded in my very core.

I heard a quote a little over a month ago that really struck me:
Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim.
Translated: "Be patient and strong; someday, this pain will be useful to you."

It made me optimistic, and that made me pretty glad. Essentially, just turn the bad things into good things. A simple enough message, sure, and I sure as hell try my best to stick to it.

I just kind of wish the pain wasn't there all the fucking time.

How the hell do you turn this shit off?