Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Consider This My Cry For Help

I can't remember the last time I ever felt real, lasting happiness. Up to this point, everything's been just a series of fleeting, almost pointless moments of happiness -- short distractions from the feelings I have everyday. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to fix myself. All I ever want to do anymore is sleep and cry. The only reason I don't is that I insist that every new day will present itself as less depressing than the last. It never is.

I hang out with friends, listen to cheerful music, watch actions and comedies, play exciting video games, eat good food, make jokes for people and make them laugh, I sing, I smile, give out hugs, compliment people regularly, I get invited to places, get included in conversations, and I completely lose it when I see cute little puppies... And although it may sound absolutely selfish, I still don't feel like it's enough. I still feel as if none of it is... real.

As if my existence is only being tolerated, not appreciated.

Like I'm the human Lorem Ipsum.
Here to fill some space, but still so easily replaced.
So easily forgotten.

I try to be positive, and I actually make an active effort to make every day not just survivable, but actually enjoyable. I find excuses to smile, and sometimes resort to inventing my own, no matter how convoluted or shallow they may be. I find comfort in showing affection to my friends, even if it's clear that some of them aren't interested in receiving it, unless it comes in the form of free stuff. Funny how nobody is ever uninterested in receiving free stuff.

It's so tiring. I'm so tired. I've been able to endure it for years, letting the days just keep chipping away at my foundation, but now I'm finally feeling its effects, making me weaker, and now I'm scared. I feel like Humpty Dumpty, and my wall is being eroded by constant doubt, until I eventually fall. And I can never be put back together. I may not even want to be put back together, for fear of breaking again.

I don't know why I feel like this, despite my constant effort to combat it. That just makes me even more frustrated with myself. I don't want to feel like this.

Consider this my cry for help.

Please... someone fix me before I break.