Friday, October 23, 2015



Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

Well, it's happened again. I've got feelings for someone. And just my luck, he's straight. Which means of course there's no hope for me. I didn't want to develop any feelings for him, but, well, there it is.

Let me say a few things about him.
He's funny, charming, sweet, intelligent, and an incredible musician with a smile that beams to the moon and back. I've only got a crush on him, as far as he knows, and he's cool with that. We'll even crack jokes about it every now and then. Except, my feelings have gone past that point, and he's got no clue.

We go to the same school, and we're really good friends. We've spent lots of time together among other friends, but once in a while we'll talk privately, whether in person or online. We trust each other with our secrets, and come to each other for advice or comfort during difficult times. You could say we're kind of each other's confidante.

But not this time. I can't talk to him about this. I can't risk ruining another perfectly normal and highly successful friendship by admitting my feelings for someone who'll only feel guilty about not being able to reciprocate. Not a third time. I've learned my lesson.

But it's distracting. He's where my mind goes when it wanders. He's who I try very hard not to stare at when we're in the same room. He's the one whose hand I'm always tempted to hold whenever he sits next to me. He's the one whose little green dot I look for when I go on Facebook, forever wanting to say something but never finding anything worth talking about. He's the one who once jokingly told me "I missed you" one day at school, utterly oblivious to how much he made me blush under those orange lights. He's the one I always hug just a few seconds more than I do other people, since I'm at peace whenever he puts his arms around me and I'm always hesitant about letting him go.

I don't know if I'm in love with him. I'm not sure yet. But I don't want to get there. I'll just be sabotaging my friendship with one of the most outstanding people I've ever met in my whole life.

And it
Just. Really.

What the fuck should I do?
What the fuck CAN I do??