Shutting Up

A lot of times, I feel like the only people who don't mind me talking are the ones who can't even hear me, or have the option to ignore what I have to say. It's just one of those things that I guess I'm just paranoid about. I always feel like I'm one of those people that people just "don't mind" having around, rather than one that people "like" having around. I'm a footnote, an extra, elevator music, part of the crowd, the background, the wallpaper. I can't even remember a time when anyone I wasn't related to looked forward to seeing me, or bothered to stay long enough to enjoy my company. I don't know who my real friends are. I'm not even sure if I have any.

I've often joked to myself: "What am I doing on all these social networking sites? I hardly even have a social life to begin with." And I'd laugh because I'd convince myself that the 150+ friends I have on Facebook actually were my friends. But upon closer inspection, most of these people are either just my relatives or people I have some kind of insignificant acquaintanceship with. The only people who ever talk to me are the ones that I talk to first. Never has anyone, out of their own free will, chatted me up just to say, "hey, I missed you. How have you been?"

Granted, I do have a few people I hold so close to my heart that they crowd it so much as to leave me clinically dead for a few hours. But I have to ask myself, are these the people who are gonna cry instead of laugh at my funeral if I die of a freak accident involving a dot-matrix printer and a bag of marshmallows? The only answer that comes to mind is "no." But any marshmallow-related death is always funny, so I probably can't blame them if they cry out of side-splitting laughter instead of sorrow.

I guess I'm just not that guy. I've never been that guy -- the one that people would do anything to hang out with regardless of weather conditions, or the one that gets floods of text messages in the morning from people wishing him a good day, or the one that people invite out just so they could share their good experiences with so they have stories to tell and retell each other the next week, or the one that people want to lean on because they know I've got their backs. People don't see me that way, and I don't know how to make them see me that way.

Too often is it said that it's always best to be yourself. Well, that shit doesn't really work for me.

I'm just that somewhat funny, always sarcastic, trivia-filled, book-reading, blog-writing, bad joke-telling, muffin-top-wielding weirdo who sings in the shower and has fake orange hair. I don't know if I'll ever be able to impress anyone just being myself. I can't even impress myself with being myself.

And this is me, already looking on the bright side.

I'm just venting. Nobody really reads my blog anyway. My blog is pretty useless. Just like wallpaper.

I'll shut up now.