Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A Maintenance Post

I don't really understand what's going on with me. I'm usually brimming with words that want to be heard and read, but I can't seem to make things coherent enough to actually blog. I haven't blogged in over 2 months! That's how wasted my mind is. The usual suspects are responsible for the delay in my output: laziness, school, uninspired-ness, life in general...

I've been quite frazzled with myself lately. I've been sleeping late, for no reason, listening to the same songs over and over and over and OVER again, not willing to expand my musical vocabulary yet, figuring out what my heart wants while my mind contradicts it all. I'm confused. I'm getting desperate.

I want to get this out in the open once and for all. I'm bi. But I've known love. Like, REAL love. You'll know it's real love when your heart beats slower instead of faster, so that time slows down for you personally when the one you love walks into the room, or into your mind. In my lifetime, I've fallen in love with 2 guys and 2 girls. None of them have returned the affection, so I've currently succumbed to the fact that I'm not ready to have a relationship yet with anybody. Fortunately, one of those guys happened to be my best friend, and although he may not have the capacity to reciprocate the feelings I had (or have) for him, our friendship has remained intact. I am grateful to him for that.

I am also grateful for having the capability of expressing love to whomever I choose. And through experience, I've learned that it doesn't matter if you get love back, as long as you know you're giving it. I think that's a blessing. I say that even though I'm not religious.

I'm happy with what I am. All you homophobes can kiss my ass as I fart my optimism in your faces. Expect some shit along the way, though.

So, matters of the heart aside, there's the matter of who I am. I am a walking contradiction. I'm principled but immature. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I hate to move, but I love to dance. I'm shy, I'm introverted, but I love all my friends. I get stage-fright, but I love to perform. I'm intelligent, but my grades are always low. I'm good at everything, but I'm great at nothing. I wait all night, but I don't know what I'm waiting for. I'm objective, but highly emotional. I solve my own problems by discussing them with my pillows, and pretending that they can talk back to me (even though I'm fully aware that I'm essentially talking to myself, and sometimes I even disagree with myself). I'm probably crazy, but I speak with near-perfect grammar. I manually type the "http://" in the address bar when I surf the internet, I never use shorthand when chatting or texting, but I keep summarizing the world. I'll begin reading 10 different novels and finish less than half of those before I move on to new ones. I've got an affinity for the random, but I think logically.

I'm the blurred line between brilliance and insanity. That's a really, really thin line, people. That just means I'm special. :)

As I'm rereading my blog entry before I post, I realize that this became less of a maintenance post and more
of an exodus from my metaphorical turtle shell. This could be because I know hardly anyone cares enough to read this blog, or because I don't want any of my personal secrets canned up in me anymore. I love life, and I love to laugh, and I love to love the people who deserve it. I'm happy. The people I care about are happy. I'm not gonna waste my time worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.

Within the secrets we hide well,
Our hearts are waiting to reveal
Emotions bursting out to tell
The ones we love just how we feel.

-Atom P.

No comments:

Post a Comment